Culture Shock:Life Shock

things are kicking in here. I've gone out into the streets a few times to pray for people. helped invent new drinks in the café, and have been to both meetings that the church here has weekly.

I'm also reading a lot more. I've read through about half of the Pilgrim's Progress. It's a good book, but I've noticed some things that I definitely disagree with him on doctrinally, kind of makes me want to stop, but I know that's foolish (thanks mom)

I got my first real dose of french culture shock. Yesterday, Sébastien and I were having a pretty deep and personal conversation when about 6 people come into the Café. we were excited because groups that size don't really come in, but then one of them pulled out a badge, clipboards appeared everywhere, and everyone started speaking in French (duh). my heart started pounding because I saw the Cop's gun and I had absolutely no idea what they were saying. They shuffled paperwork and asked Seb a bunch of questions. He wasn't exactly in a position to translate so I just stood there like a deer in the headlights.

"am I going to get arrested?!" <---That actually went straight through my head.

In truth, it was a routine Check that the government does to make sure orginizations and businesses are doing everything legally.

That brings me to one of the great lessons I'm continuing to learn here. I said I needed to stop making assumptions and jumping to conclusions. God's just making it clear that he's not going to let me go home without seeing progress in that area of my life, and like any good lesson, it reveals another. He wants me to let go of performance and shame. Whenever my faults and weaknesses become glaringly apparent, fear shoots through me like poison.

"How can anyone love me?"

It's like a tumor. It actually reminds me of The Great Divorce. In the book, there is a man who walks around with a serpent wrapped around his neck and it whispers lies to him constantly. eventually an angel of God comes and offers to kill the serpent.

I guess I'm there. on that plain. standing in front of an angel of God who is offering to kill off that serpent. to kill off all of that fear, to wipe out the cancer. My Chemotherapy is loneliness and distance from all I know. He doesn't want to kill who I really am. He wants to kill of everything I'm really not.

I am loved deeply, endlessly, unwaveringly, no matter what I do.

and so are you.

I only know life when I've lost it. when I cling and scrape and fight for it, I find nothing. When I die daily, I live.

I love pictures and metaphors, and music. So God shows me songs. this one speaks to this very subject.

Goodbye I!- by mewithoutYou

...the tortoise in the wheelchair
wrapped his forehead in a bandage
with a cast they made from plaster
for his phony broken leg
so he'd get pushed around the sidewalk
by the zookeeper's assistant
with the hummingbird obeserving
from behind the yellow flower
and he flapped his tiny wings
they moved so fast you couldn't see them
with resentment for the tortoise
which was clear by his expression
but the tortoise turned and smiled
with a peacefulness which proved
that there's a movement in our stillness
and however much we move

we're bound to stand completely still

come tortoise, standing still
go hummingbird, my will
come tortoise, stumbling blind
go hummingbird, my eyes
come tortoise, empty hand
go hummingbird, my plan
come tortoise, undefined
go hummingbird, my mind
come tortoise, letting go
go hummingbird, i know
come tortoise, come and die
go hummingbird, my I
goodbye, I
goodbye, I
bye, bye, bye